The saddest kind of hurt happens when you try to smile while crying.

又回到了那一年，这一天。

那一年的我，下定决心为你写了第一封也是最后一封信。

写信的我真的撕了很多纸，

也有很多话没说。

一直以为那封就算是最后一次和你联络，掏心陶肺的跟你说我真的很喜欢你，但是，也该是时候放手了。

因为你说，我们当朋友比较合适。我觉得拖拖拉拉不是我的个性（后来事实证明了我的确很拖拉），所以长痛不如短痛，就微笑放你走。

可笑的是，就连我渐渐的想拉远和你之间的距离，从社交媒体朋友圈慢慢删除（你一直说我整天追踪又改，所以干脆不接受我不知道是第几次的追踪，但是你要知道，我每次取消追踪就秒后悔了），手就不听使唤，又和你通过无数次的短信联系。大多数都是无聊的，或者一直跟你抱怨生活的不愉快。

在这我也想骂你，干嘛那么耐心的一直敷衍我。

干脆不理我不就对双方都好。

时间是解药，但更是毒药。

我已经中毒太深，所以就耗尽了大部分青春，转眼就认识你十年了，距离写信那一天也六年了。

是时候，真的放手了。

我，不想再喜欢你了，不想一直单方面的纠缠。

你，应该会觉得解脱了吧。

其实，我有试着不联络，但好像两个星期又破功，真的很悲哀。

2018也刚好只剩两个星期半，就用这段时间再重来吧。

慢慢，我会从两个星期，变两个月，再两年，二十年。。。就永远了。

我可以的。

祝你幸福。

General guidelines:

1. Considerate of others around him (initially wanted to put kind but we do have our unkind days) and tries to see/ feel/ think from their POVs.

2. Filial and loyal. These qualities go hand in hand, without a doubt. Family and friends who are like family are very important to me, so I expect this of my life partner too. We can’t choose family (although in my case I was chosen but that’s an exception) and friends are family that we choose so I expect my life partner to take even better care of people who love him > taking care of people he loves.

3. Humourous- very subjective but he needs to have a funny bone, no matter what kind. I appreciate seriousness but a day without laughter is just a waste of life. Except during sad, grieving/ inappropriate moments because that’s just ridiculous. Bonus: if he appreciates/ understands sarcasm and uses it extensively with me 🤓

4. Honest: With himself especially and to others in his life. I can deal with white lies though if 1) is in the picture; i.e. Considerate of others’ feelings so white lies but also a case-by-case matter. Honesty just makes any relationship better and us as better people in general, not just in romantic relationships so this is quite a given I feel.

5. Sensible. Also subjective but I need someone who can talk sense or argue sense into/ with me. I can be quite irrational/ senseless so it would be nice to have a sensible life partner to stop me from doing stupid things and also save me from my zilch sense of direction

6. Needs to be taller than me. I’ve enough of taking care of everyone around me so a taller life partner would allow me literal rest/ break in his arms/ shoulders when the going gets tough. Someone shorter just makes me feel motherly and all round just no.

7. Speaking of which, needs to be at least the same age or older. Exception for old souls but age difference cannot be more than 5 years younger. Reason same as 6), I want to be taken care of too.

8. Appreciates and allows space away from each other. We do not need to stick to each other 24/7 although I can be clingy but we need our girl gang/ boys night out. Would be nice to be updated about when/where/ what he is doing with the guys and I’ll gladly do the same.

9. Good with words, any form. I’m a sucker for words of affirmation. Yet, his actions need to reflect his words though. Do not appreciate empty but pretty words.

10. A decent human being that is okay with imperfection of any kind because I am entirely made of flaws and although safety net of plans and achieving life goals is something I hold dear as well, life is fluid, messy and just a beautiful bitch in general, my life partner needs to be able to be alongside me to go through this journey together, for as long as possible.

Posting this as requested and also a reminder that I should never settle.

I think I’ve finally come to the last stage of grief and accepted the status quo, even if things are slightly changing with undercurrents moving in directions that I am blissfully ignorant to.

This space has been terribly neglected and I’m tired of code-speak or talking in layers that sometimes when I read back on my posts, my failing memory cannot seem to fathom whatever that I have been typing or my state of mind during post creation.

So, I’m going back to the basics- in many ways, this has been what 2018 has been about.

To search for, deal with, and stick to my truth.

Current status check: 

Studies and Career

• I’m done with my basic degree, had the convocation done exactly ten days ago (12/10/2018). 
  
• Still struggling with so many impending datelines, or rather deadlines, at hand. Age or whatever pull factors seem to chip away at my productivity and I always fall into the deep abyss of sleep and procrastination. So much so that I’d kinda sabotaged my modules and semester GPA by two grades. What folly. Gotta buck up if I’m serious about that second class honours.
  
• Into my 6th year of full-fledged teaching, did the necessary to be happy and stop staying at a place where my precious childhood memories are so terribly tainted and I almost always feel a certain emptiness and questioned my life choices everyday. If it weren’t for the select few good people I’m blessed to be around with, I think I would have left the service immediately after my bond. 
• Looking into options for other career prospects. Sometimes I wish that I weren’t so conscious of my responsibilities as the only child and the numerous factors involved in every step I take. Then again, I can’t begin to describe the pain I feel each time I look at my elderly dad getting out the house so early with his bad knee. Or my mom who takes extremely good care of the household and my ailing grandmother without complaints and dismissing help because she insists that no one does a better job than her and it is so very true. Then I start berating my selfish thoughts.
  

Relationships

• Family: Still close to my nuclear family, occasionally spending more time with granny such as cooking for her and reliving my mother of caretaker duties temporarily. A little sad and ironic that we don’t have dinners together anymore since Mummy turned full Vegetarian in 2013 but I hold those rare few reunions around the dining table close to my heart. A family that eats together, stays together, after all.
• Friendships: Made and break a few, as usual, but glad that the ones that stay are the genuine ones who truly care about connecting. Tired of all the insincere. Also the small talks and baseless conversations. Trash talk exclusive for inner circle and I am thankful for this. However, to force topics just to have a semblance of connection irate me to no point.
• Relationships: Not in an active search for romantic connections because of a 50K mistake from last year (no I wasn’t scammed, but yeah, hmmm codespeak to myself: Ren/ telegram) and most of the virtual connections prove to be too disappointing and immature. Way past the age of mind games and trying to sustain interest or attention. My time is also too precious to be wasted on such frivolity. Also, I’m not exactly in the best shape, physically or psychologically, to be able to give the optimum of myself if I expect the same. Working on the core relationship with myself first.

Back to marking, and clearing some stuff before I meet my Capstone Project supervisor in 18 hours’ time.

I cannot wait for December to come.